I am in the historically very privileged and perhaps universally unprecedented position to have not had a single family argument over Christmas. Mark and I visited his family, who live a short drive away, and there was not a mask nor a test nor a frazzled atmosphere of paranoid hysteria in sight (not until Mark realised his nephews were there and we'd forgotten to bring their presents, anyway...). In short: nobody cared about the latest cold virus (it wasn't even mentioned), and we just had a festively pleasant time chatting and exchanging gifts (I was given many hats, including one which is sort of more like a large headband and so exposes the top of my head, the existence of which many have questioned, so this is keeping with the revelatory spirit of the next few months).

However, I know many others have not been so lucky and that yesterday was probably one of the most testing and divisive days of this whole pantomime. That being the case, I've decided to have a Christmas argument with myself, in solidarity with those who had to endure them for real, and below I have imagined how such a dialogue might have gone...

ENTER: Crazy conspiraquack character:

CCC: "Hi all. Merry Christmas."

Sane, normal respondent: "Step back, please. A two-metre distance must be maintained at all times. There's sanitiser by the door and placed strategically throughout the house, which must be vigorously applied at regular intervals, and a selection of festive face masks in this box here, as you seem to have forgotten yours."

CCC: "Oh... thanks, but I'll be fine without."

SNR: "Well, I'm sorry, but as you selfishly and irresponsibly refuse to get vaccinated, you cannot be permitted in this household without taking sensible precautions."

CCC: "Okay, I can see you feel a bit anxious here, but can we just examine some of the founding premises in your last statement... first of all, face masks don't do anything to protect health. Actually, they increase the chances of ill health occurring."

SNR: "That's ridiculous. Who told you that? David Icke?"

CCC: "No, there are dozens of scholarly studies that show mask-wearing does not prevent the transmission of viruses and actually makes people more prone to illness as they're trapping bacteria on their faces all day."

SNR: "God, you've only been here three minutes and already here you go with the crazy conspiracy theories! Why would the government be recommending them if they didn't stop the spread of the virus?"

CCC: "Because the government don't want to stop the spread of a virus, they want to maintain the illusion of one, and masks are an essential prop in reminding people we're in a "deadly pandemic". which otherwise most people would have forgotten by now. It's about behaviour modification, not health. That's why there are so many behavioural psychologists on SAGE."

SNR: "Well, obviously people like you need reminding there's a pandemic, as otherwise they get lax and don't follow the rules and then we're all in danger."

CCC: "Which rules do you think protect you from danger?"

SNR: "Staying two metres apart. Sanitising. Self-isolating after a positive test."

CCC: "There's no science supporting the two-metre rule and even the government admits that distance was plucked out of thin air. Hand-sanitisers are by and large anti-bacterial, not anti-viral, and that means they destroy the delicate balance of healthy bacteria on your skin, which is imperative for good health. Destroying these bacteria with powerful chemicals multiple times a day is actually really bad for you and again - like the face masks - undermines your health, it doesn't protect it. As for self-isolating, loneliness and isolation are known to be catastrophic for health and are at least as bad as heavy drinking, smoking, or taking no exercise."

SNR: "Well, maybe in the long-term, but nothing bad is going to happen to anyone just isolating for a few days."

CCC: "But it isn't just a few days, is it? Remember 15 days to flatten the curve? People scoffed at objections to that - "what's your problem, it's just a few days, then everything goes back to normal". That was two years ago and still there is absolutely no sign of any end to these restrictions in sight. 'Self-isolating' is becoming a way of life and people repeatedly cutting themselves off from the world and friends and family is having a cumulative effect on their mental and physical health, and not a good one. The population as a whole is in significantly worse health now than they were two years ago."

SNR: "That's because we're in the middle of a deadly pandemic."

CCC: "It isn't. The rise in ill health relates to conditions like depression, addiction, type 2 diabetes and cardiac and circulatory problems. None of these are caused by a virus, but they are caused by the ruthless dismantling of life and liberty that we see around us and the violent assault on every aspect of our health by the government."

SNR: "I think you're being a bit dramatic. The government is trying to help us."

CCC: "Then why are the hospitals fuller than ever? Why are so many people sick and self-isolating?"

SNR: "Because of people like you not following the rules."

CCC: "But I'm not sick. None of my friends who don't follow the rules are sick. I've never worn a mask, taken a test, or received a vaccine, and I socialise exclusively with others who haven't, either. We certainly don't maintain social distance or lock ourselves in our rooms for a fortnight if we catch a cold, and yet, we are all fine."

SNR: "Well, that's very selfish and irresponsible behaviour. That's why the ICUs are full of the unvaccinated."

CCC: "They aren't, that's a media lie and statistical spin. Hospitals class patients as 'unvaccinated' if they received their vaccine less than 14 days prior to admission, and sometimes less than 28 days. The reality is the large majority of people in ICUs are double-vaccinated."

SNR: "Well, even if that's true, that's only because lots of the double-vaccinated are vulnerable. That's why they need a booster."

CCC: "Have you had your booster?"

SNR: "Yes."

CCC: "How do you feel?"

SNR: "Well, I haven't been too well to be honest, coincidentally I got ill just after the shot. But it would have been so much worse if I hadn't been vaccinated."

CCC: "But I haven't had any vaccines at all and I'm not ill, whereas I keep hearing that everyone who receives the booster, gets ill immediately afterwards. Do you think maybe... the booster could be making you ill?"

SNR: "No! Of course not!

CCC: "Why not?"

SNR: "Because vaccines don't make you ill. It's just a coincidence. Vaccines protect you."

CCC: "Is that why the government gives them away for free?"

SNR: "Yes."

CCC: "So how come they don't give away free clean water, or healthy food, or provide us all with free plumbers, given nutrition and sanitation are far more essential to good health than pharmaceutical products? It's very easy to survive without vaccines, a fact of which I am living demonstrable proof, but it's impossible to survive without proper food and hygiene."

SNR: "Because that would be too expensive. Vaccines are cost effective."

CCC: "Are they? Then how come the mortality rate has increased since the Covid vaccine programme was rolled out?"

SNR: "It hasn't."

CCC: "Yes, it has. Non-Covid excess deaths have exceeded the five-year-average and two major new studies - one from the UK and one from Germany - have found that the higher the vaccine coverage in an area, the higher the death rate."

SNR: "That's not true."

CCC: "It is. I'll send you the studies."

SNR: "Well, that doesn't make any sense. Why would death rates be higher in areas with higher vaccine rates? It must be because when people are vaccinated, they get complacent and stop following the rules."

CCC: "If that was what it was, death rates in unvaccinated people who have never followed the rules, such as me and my friends, would be the highest of all, and they're not. Death rates in unvaccinated people - those who are actually completely unvaccinated - are the lowest. And people who don't get vaccinated, generally don't wear masks, get tested, sanitise, or do any of the other stuff either."

SNR: "I'm sorry, but this is all just nonsense. So what you're saying is that you know better than all the world's top scientists and experts?"

CCC: "No, I agree with them. It's just they've all been censored and so you don't hear about them on the BBC. There are literally thousands of top scientists all over the world who have blown the whistle on this scam and are saying what I'm saying, but the media only reports on scientists who have been bought off by the establishment."

SNR: "That's ridiculous. If there were any so-called whistleblowers, we'd hear about them."

CCC: "We do, all the time. Just not via the establishment media."

SNR: "Oh, so you mean fake news."

CCC: "Yes, any news that contradicts the establishment, is labelled fake news by the establishment. Funny that, isn't it?"

SNR: "Yes, I've heard all these conspiracy theories from Covid denialists and other insane types before. How can you deny there's a pandemic, when so many people have been ill and are dying!"

CCC: "People get ill and die every year. It's sad for their loved ones, but it's nothing unusual, and the death rate in 2020 was normal. Death figures only started noticeably spiking after the roll out of the vaccine."

SNR: "That's not true. I know people who've died from Covid. It's a terrible disease."

CCC: "How do you know they died from Covid?"

SNR: "Because the doctors said so."

CCC: "Did you know doctors can put Covid on the death certificate even if someone was terminally ill with an unrelated condition, and even if they didn't perform a Covid test?"

SNR: "That's not true."

CCC: "It is true, and what's more, it's common practice. There's no proper distinction made between people who died WITH Covid and those who died OF it, and what's more, the test isn't remotely reliable. It's own inventor said it should never be used to diagnose illness."

SNR: "He didn't, that's a conspiracy theory. The Guardian said so."

CCC: "I can literally send you the video of him saying it."

SNR: "Well, he sounds like a quack."

CCC: "Okay, would you like me to send you the New York Times article from 2007 reporting on the "epidemic that wasn't", and warning that the PCR test should never be used to declare outbreaks of disease, because it's far too over-sensitive and unreliable?"

SNR: "No."

CCC: "Why not?"

SNR: "Because you're insane. It's conspiracy gone mad. So you're trying to say that all the governments of the world have got together and faked a pandemic - for what purpose?!"

CCC: "Do you think the world is overpopulated?"

SNR: "Yes. There are too many people. Families should have less children."

CCC: "Well, the world's governments also think there are too many people. They want to 'cull the herd', as it were, but they realise if they asked people to voluntarily take action to shorten their lives, people wouldn't do it. So they've staged a "deadly pandemic" to trick people into taking an injection, which they say will protect you, but is actually a bioweapon designed to reduce your lifespan. It's full of poison and that's why you feel ill after taking it."

SNR: "Wow, you're really off your rocker. That's completely insane."

CCC: "It is completely insane, but the people who rule the world are, and orchestrating mass extinction events are nothing new to them - please see "wars". Then look at the amount of money the world's governments have spent on this vaccination, it's completely unprecedented in terms of government spending - other than in wartime. The only government budget that comes close to costing as much as the vaccination programme is its military budget. The government doesn't provide free water, food, shelter, or sanitation to people, as we've discussed, because promoting health is not a priority of the government. The only time they spend such colossal amounts of money as they have on the vaccine, is on war, and that's because the vaccine is a weapon. It just acts more slowly than a bullet."

SNR: "I've never heard such dangerous and deranged nonsense in my life."

CCC: "It is dangerous and deranged and I wish it wasn't true, but it is. It just doesn't make any sense that the world's ruling classes who are openly committed to depopulation would spend such a gargantuan fortune on trying to preserve and extend life. If the vaccines really did that, they would be highly in demand and expensive. They wouldn't be free, and the establishment certainly wouldn't have to bribe, bully, threaten and harass people into taking them."

SNR: "I can't believe you've fallen for such nonsense. I thought you were intelligent."

CCC: "My intelligence is not the issue, and nor is yours. It's just a question of reason and probability. Is it reasonable to imagine a wealth-hoarding elite who think the world is overcrowded, would spend an absolute fortune on ensuring the world's populace can stick around for longer? Of course it isn't. If there was a real deadly pandemic, they'd just sit back and let it do its job, whilst sealing themselves off in their country mansions and hoarding any effective preventatives for themselves. Yet as we know, from the Christmas parties and cheese and wine gatherings, and routine eschewing of both masks and social distancing, they've done just the opposite."

SNR: "Yes. They're hypocrites."

CCC: "No, they're not. They're liars. They know there's no deadly pandemic and the rules are a nonsense, that's why they don't follow them."

SNR: "I can't listen to any more of this delusional insanity. You won't be talking like this when you're on a ventilator."

CCC: "Ventilators are death traps and completely the wrong treatment for a respiratory virus, as multiple whistleblowing doctors have said. That's why people keep dying on them."

SNR: "You don't know what you're talking about. You're not a doctor."

CCC: "I know, that's why I'm quoting people who are."

SNR: "You should be banned from hospitals."

CCC: "That's fine with me. I don't even have a GP and haven't used NHS services in years. I don't need them, because I know how to protect my own health and don't outsource it to the government or the habitually criminal pharmaceutical industry."

SNR: "You just wait. The virus will get you. Omicron knows if you're unvaccinated."

CCC: "And if you've been naughty or nice and so on, yes, I've heard. Omicron is a cold."

SNR: "Oh no it isn't!"

CCC: "Oh yes it is. All the symptoms are the exact symptoms of a cold."

SNR: "Omicron is much more serious than a cold."

CCC: "In what way?"

SNR: "It's more transmissable."

CCC: "That doesn't make it more serious, it just means more people will get it."

SNR: "That will put the NHS under pressure."

CCC: "Only if people are stupid enough to go to hospital if they've got a cold. The NHS should turn them away, rather than turning away desperately ill people with real illnesses."

SNR: "Omicron is real!"

CCC: "More real than cancer? Heart disease? Do you know how many severely unwell people have missed out on urgent, life-saving treatment because the media's brainwashed you into being terrified of a cold and so NHS resources are being used on 'boosting' healthy people rather than treating the genuinely sick?"

SNR: "It's more important to boost people so that they don't overwhlem the NHS later on."

CCC: "Maybe the NHS wouldn't be overwhelmed if it wasn't in the process of firing 200,000 of its staff who don't want the vaccine."

SNR: "They should be fired. It's seflish, stupid, and anti-science not to take the vaccine."

CCC: "These people are willing to lose everything rather than take the injection. Lose their job, their income, their ability to provide for their family - all whilst enduring endless insults and attacks of the sort you just volunteered. Don't you think these people - these medical professionals who spent years in training - might actually be turning it down for a good reason?"

SNR: "No. They're conspiracy theorists."

CCC: "That's what the media says, yes. But isn't it more likely that, as medics on the frontline, they've seen the realities of the vaccine campaign, and the huge increase in cardiac and circulatory problems in otherwise healthy people?"

SNR: "There hasn't been an increase. Or if there has, it's not because of the vaccine."

CCC: "There has and it is. Confirmed by published studies and several top cardiologists. In fact, if a patient is admitted to hospital with chest pain now, one of the first questions they are asked is if they've had the vaccine."

SNR: "That's ridiculous. The vaccine wouldn't have been approved it caused problems."

CCC: "I think you might need to study pharmaceutical history a bit better. Harmful products are approved all the time, and in particular in vaccinology, where the pharmaceutical companies aren't liable for any harm or death caused by their products."

SNR: "No vaccine is completely safe. But side effects are very rare. The benefits outweigh the risk."

CCC: "That's not what the numbers say. Covid is no threat to the overwhelming majority of people, who get mild or no symptoms if they contract it, and the average age of death involving Covid is 82, which is the same as the average age of death generally. Yet wherever Covid vaccines are introduced, the death rates immediately increase, including in much younger people."

SNR: "I'm afraid I can't listen to any more of this crazy, science-denying nonsense. Now, if you want to come in, you'll have to remain two metres away with a flimsy piece of cloth around your face, otherwise you're going to kill me with a condition you don't have and that I'm vaccinated against, by breathing."

-SCENE ENDS-

(And if only the final curtain of this preposterous pantomime would actually fall...)

Anyway, I hope yesterday wasn't too awful for anybody, and if it was, just remember that all this is unfolding for a reason and that which is to give off light must endure burning (indeed, we could all do with a few more conspiraquacks in our households at this cold and gloomy time of year for that very reason...). My sincerest hope for 2022 is that people will realise what is going on and stop letting the government mendaciously destroy their lives with anti-human lies - and see that their "crazy conspiracy friend/relative" is actually trying to save their life.

Or, at the very least that we are really.... sincerely... not going to kill you by breathing. Not even after the garlic-infused broth that we use for treating colds, as a quirky alternative to medical apartheid and worldwide communism...