A brief public service announcement...
(Originally posted on Facebook)
... The 'public service' in question being, well, me...
I've seen several people on Facebook who have generated reputations as being knowledgeable or helpful have to put up statuses like this, so here goes mine...
I really appreciate that people value my help and advice, and that's why I've collated everything I know and put it onto my website, www.miriaf.co.uk, where it is freely available to all. There are over 50 letter templates for mask, test, and vaccine issues, a search bar to help you find exactly what you're looking for, and links to a wide variety of further resources. I spend as much time as I can researching and creating (what I hope is) quality content and I make it freely available to everyone - nothing is or ever will be behind a paywall.
However, there is no longer a "contact me" form on my site, because I was forced to disable it as I was getting absolutely inundated with messages from people wanting my help, on top of the inundation I also get on Facebook, and it became completely overwhelming and unsustainable.
Please remember, I am just one person. I have no 'support staff'. I have no team or secretary I can refer queries to. I have to do everything myself, and most of it is done for free. Some very kind individuals do donate to my website, for which I am extremely grateful, but the sum total of my donations is nowhere remotely close to a full-time wage, even at minimum wage, so I simply am not in a position to provide a 24/7 free advice helpline to everyone who wants my assistance.
One of the reasons I disabled the contact form on my site is that people were mostly asking the same thing, which was some version of "I need some help or information on X subject, do you have it" - and the answer was often 'yes, it's on my website', but rather than take the time to look for it themselves, people wanted me to do it for them. So I've put an FAQ section up instead, which addresses 90% of the queries I was getting, because my experience was that many people were defaulting to getting me to do things for them that they could actually do for themselves. Obviously, that was not the case with everyone who contacted me - but it was the case with a lot.
I totally appreciate and empathise with the fact that many people are in extraordinarily difficult situations, and that's why I've spent the last two years focussing on trying to address the current tyranny in a way that helps others. But no amount of empathy changes the fact that I am just one person with the time and energy constraints of one person. I just cannot provide personal, empathic help and advice to everyone who wants it because there aren't the hours in the day, and the emotional resources needed to constantly deal with desperate people in terrible situations are enormous. It takes a huge toll on anyone who tries to do it.
Please remember, I am not a counsellor or a therapist (nor did I ever want to be one), and have no special training in dealing with people in dire predicaments - and even people who are professionally trained in that and have chosen to do it for a living have very strict rules about what contact they will have with clients and when. Plus the therapist will get supervision and support from trained colleagues for themselves, so they don't burn out from the extremely tough challenge of constantly dealing with other people's problems.
It is just a fact that when someone has generated a reputation as being a "helper", many people stop thinking of them as a human being like them, and they more become "a machine that can solve my problems". Many people have thought nothing of contacting me in really inappropriate ways - e.g. repeatedly over a short time frame and over multiple different platforms, effectively demanding I drop everything and contact them now, in a way that can make me feel deeply uncomfortable to the point of feeling almost 'hunted'. Please remember that people who do this are strangers to me. They may feel they know me because of what I put out there publicly, but the reverse is not true. I do not know them at all, or very peripherally.
I now very rarely check my Messenger account on Facebook, because the number of messages is just overwhelming - there is no way I could ever keep on top of them - and also, I don't think private correspondence, which is mostly rehashing the same sort of information already on my website, is the best use of my time. Please be assured everything I know is on my website. There is nothing I can tell you directly and personally that isn't already there. That's why I prioritise researching and creating public content, over private correspondence. Private correspondence is only visible to one person, whereas everybody can see what is out there publicly and use it in whatever ways they want.
I do still offer an option whereby people can hire my services to write a letter for them, but I do have to limit quite strictly who I can work with, since people often require significant "aftercare" in terms of wanting help dissecting replies, talking through things on the phone, composing more letters, and so on, and so again, this puts significant demands on my time - so, when considering whether to take on another letter-writing assignment, I have to think very carefully about whether I have the time to, not just research and write the letter, but to give that person the significant time and attention in terms of following up that they may require.
So, in short, please really, really think carefully before reaching out to me (or others in similar positions) for help, and really make sure you have done absolutely everything possible for yourself first, and exhausted all the free resources already made available. There is a HUGE weight of resources out there, generally at little or no cost (including mine and the further resources I list on my site), and I learned everything I know, not by going on expensive courses or even buying books, but simply by reading the information that other people have made available online.
If you've genuinely done all that and you still need help, then please do get in touch (there is still a way to contact me via my site but I've made it less obvious than a contact form) - but be please aware that I may not be able to work with you, depending on what other existing commitments I have at that time.
I've seen statuses like the above from a number of people here on Facebook, so I know that every single person who has generated a reputation as any kind of "helper" is struggling profoundly with this, too. The bottom line is that if we want to maintain a climate where skilled people are able to continue making freely available their resources, then we've got to create a supportive climate for them, too. The best possible way you can support "helpers" is to do everything you possibly can for yourself first before reaching out to them, and if you do reach out and don't get a reply, respect that they are busy or feel that they can't help you, and move on to someone else - don't start bombarding them with messages or spamming their comments etc.
I'm sorry to have to write a status like this, as I'm aware I risk "offending" some people, but I have got to make my position clear on this for my own sanity. I have so many messages in my Messenger account, with dozens more arriving every day, that I have almost given up on even opening it, since I could never keep on top of it - so if you can possibly avoid adding to them, please, please do. Please instead visit my website at www.miriaf.co.uk and read carefully through all the resources (use the search bar to help you), follow the links to all the other resources (such as PJH Law, Law or Fiction, Covid19 Assembly, Kester Disability Rights), and if you still then really can't find what you need - then there is information about how to get in touch on my site.
This is a difficult modern issue, because people can appear as too "available" online, in a way they don't in traditional "helping" settings, so in order to navigate it successfully, it's important the situation is robustly addressed to make sure we get it right. We're all learning and will all of course make mistakes (I never expected to become seen as a "Covid expert" and have had to entirely make up how to deal with the position I find myself in) so I'm not trying to make anyone "feel bad" - just to step back and think before hitting that 'send' button...
Thanks for your understanding (and for reading this far!). It's really appreciated.
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Hi Miri. This is such an important post. Thank you so much. I think perhaps a note on the front page to explain this would also help. I really appreciate everything you do to help people, and I often refer others to this website if I think they need help. I left a modest donation. You deserve so much more. 😊